I think therefore I'm just about to lose my mind.
Any other over-analyzers out there? Go ahead - don't be shy... Seriously. Holy hell can I over-think the crap outta something! Hate that about me sometimes. Get all lost and scrambled inside my own head, over processing things to death. It usually doesn't come out of my mouth - just stays inside - simmering away.
Thankfully I have a very busy life. School for 3 girls in 3 grades and all the extracurricular stuff keeps me pretty busy from the end of August through to mid June every year. A full time job. My freelance photography. Classes and clients. Friends and all the fun things we do together. It is where I belong - with these people and doing these thing. It's my life, and it is blessed and full of joy.
I'm thankful every morning I keep waking up. Yes! I got another one. Go Me!!!
But when the girls are all tucked in and dreaming, I am left to this insomnia and my thoughts. We are a maddening combination. So I write. I write write write. And when I'm not writing I'm reading. And thinking. Over-thinking.
So I spend a lot of time working on undoing this thing I do. Because I don't want to do it anymore. I try my best to accept what I must when it cannot be changed. Not worry about something until it happens, one way or another. Keep my expectations low or as non-existant as possible. Try to not plan what I don't need to plan and let the current of the day take me where it will whenever I have the freedom to do so. Go in the opposite direction of the over-analyze and strive for the under-analyze. This is not easy for me, but I try.
Because of this sickness, I sometimes think I have something all figured out when I really don't know jack shit.
And then I get the wide eyed stare. But I don't want to be Pollyanna. There are bad people out there - I understand this. However, I'm just the kind of person who is going to believe in the good first. Always. I'll let you prove me wrong if you really, really want to - but I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt. I think there are enough cynics out there. Enough people who want to hate and hold grudges and try to cut someone else down. The complete irony is that those people are cultivating the very type of negativity they claim to despise. Hate takes energy. I want to use all mine on Love.
I've not lived a life full of rainbows & butterflies. There have been times of great tears and tragedy, but I want them to affect me the least. I have a tendency towards sorrow - it's a language I speak fluently. But I don't want to be jaded. I want to look with fresh eyes and not let the past darken my present. I want to have a little faith in what I cannot explain.
I want to love fearlessly.
And I can't do that when I over-think.
I end up paralyzed. Trying to explain the unexplainable. Idiot. All that thinking just got me right back where I began - swollen with an understanding I can't describe. So I give myself over to it without explanation and it fills me up. I am where I belong. And I am not afraid. On the contrary - I am eager.
Time to find out what happens next in the story...
Belong by R.E.M.
***photo taken in Del Mar, CA ~ May 5, 2009
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