Awake

I feel like an old friend who hasn't called in too long.

It's been far too long.

And where do I ever begin? Let's do it in flashback form - because yesterday was the day I decided that the world was, indeed, going to go on, and that is primarily what brought me back here.

I feel as though I've been locked away for awhile. Drugged and left quietly in the corner to contemplate. Barely awake, barely asleep and barely caring one way or another. Unsafe and unsober.

And suddenly, there is life and light and colors.

I liken it to that moment when you first step into the brilliant afternoon sunshine after a long dark movie. Everything is so bright that it is almost blinding and a little uncomfortable. I'm trying not to think about it too hard - just going with the thought of my own smile and how warm and real I feel. 

I didn't get here by myself. I have to look all around me at the lives that touch and bless my own everyday. Loving me in ways I don't easily understand. Giving me their heads and hearts. Holding out their hands when I am lost. Shoving me in the back when I refused to budge. Saying it out loud even when I cringed and looked longingly for my dark corner. Thank you to my dearest, sweetest and most daring. Thank you.

I am much better now.

I have learned a few lessons the hard way. But then I guess that's the only way I know how to learn. Today I learned that my inner awful infection could only heal once I had endured the pain of cleaning out the wound. Simple but somehow zealously overlooked.

And I have gone on a few adventures. None too far and wide on the outside, but further and deeper than I have ever gone on the inside. And I'm still a little exhausted from the trip. But it's that wonderful full body ache kind of exhaustion that comes from a full day in the fresh air doing something fun with those you adore.

I am still taking photos - and I just decided today - right now - that I'm picking up my paint brush this weekend.

The girls are growing more headstrong everyday. They are turning into lovely young ladies. With only one parent to guide them, the going gets hard on them sometimes, but they rise to the occasion because I must demand for them to do so. It worries me - that they are growing up so fast and deal with such things. But life is only giving them their own lessons. We all quietly accept this fact.

I refuse to sugarcoat the world for them - life must be authentic, if nothing else.

And I have cried and screamed and raged and sworn my head off. I have been irrational, moody, grumpy, ugly and downright mean. I have gone off the edge about the smallest thing. And I have yawned and shrugged my shoulders at big things that should matter.

And I am done wasting my minutes on fools that don't fucking deserve them. Done with people who don't even try and then point the finger of blame in every single direction but their own. Life is too short for me to give the psych-sucking vampires anymore of my precious soul. Because I got one. Dammit. Get yer own.

I'm not bitter.

Just real.

And finally awake. 

Comments

[Mark]

Jane is finally back from the abyss ;-) Good to see you old friend.

[Toni]

I have missed your posts!! Love that you're back!

Love ya girlie!!!!