Fear & Liberation

I am known to be a bit of a coward.

I don't like confrontation. I don't like being in uncomfortable situations. I don't like the unknown.

I have real fears, but they are mostly based in the tragedies that might befall those I love. I fear not being there for them when they need me. I fear the idea that they might become sick or we might somehow face a great uphill struggle against some tremendous burden.

But I am not worrisome. I don't believe in paying that interest on a debt that never comes due, or so the saying goes... I don't ponder the coulda shoulda woulda. I live in the now and my life is filled with exactly zero regrets because I have learned from every mistake and stumble.

I am afraid of water, because I can't swim. My mom couldn't swim, so she would never take us to the beach or the pool and somehow instilled in me this fear.

I used to be afraid of dogs. A dog bit me when I was little and it took me years to get past the idea that every tiny fluffball wasn't going to maul my face.

And I have always been afraid of scary movies.

When I was a child my teenaged aunts and uncles would have parties with their friends and watch scary movies, one after another. This was in the 70's and early 80's. Everything from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre to Carrie, Christine, My Bloody Valentine, Halloween, Friday the 13th, Scream Bloody Murder, and way too many more to list. Slasher, horror, psycho killer, slice em dice em and put their head on a stick type of shit. I was staying over at my Grandma's. I was scared to death. I was 7. And I was told that it was "fake" so just get over it. But I didn't. It stuck to me like white on rice. Those movies were graphic, and I had a great memory.

Since I was a little girl I have not voluntarily watched one scary movie. Not one. I would cringe at the commercials to scary movies. It didn't matter how goofy or "fake" it looked, I didn't want some. Give me a fun comedy or a dramatic historical time period piece or a great action film. But no scary movies.

Until this Saturday night, when I went to the Blacklist Art & Film Festival.

Now, let me preface this by saying I wasn't exactly keen on going. I was going to support my friend Andy, who is a coordinator of the event. He is an amazing artist and a great guy with good taste. Authentic art is vital to him. I know this, so I trust him in this area of expertise. So, even though this isn't exactly my thing, I go to this horror film festival - all the while telling myself that it is Art I am watching. It's just people creating Art. Selling it to myself. Psyching myself out.

It turns into an eventful evening on many levels, and I am looking for a good distraction as the house lights go down and the series of short films begins.

And I am entranced.

I go from moments of hilarity for ridiculous situations to moments of awe in finding the beauty in morbid events to moments of great triumph over revulsion.

I simply appreciate the Art. And I get it. And I am not afraid.

For the first time in my adult life, I have no fear of this simple thing I have feared forever.

I cannot tell you how liberated I felt. Finally released from the prison in my head. Such a silly thing to carry around, but never, ever again.

So, thank you. To me for being brave. To Andy for being himself. To the Blacklist for making Art and Film on another level accessible to even the most real of cowards.

Anybody wanna go see a movie?

***photo taken by Me at Big Bear, April 2010

Comments

[Toni]

It's not a silly thing to be afraid of scary movies. It makes you who you are and who we all love. You are far from being a coward!! For you to step outside of your box took great courage!!

Love ya!! xoxo

[Jenn]

I am still not going to the next to last best exorcism and I am still not a fan of the Blair Bitch but rock on dude.