Clear Sight: the bottom line on the ex-husband

Yesterday I got to have breakfast with one of my oldest and dearest friends.

The kind of friend you are free to give your unfiltered self, because you are never afraid of their judgment or perception of you.

I know that in Jamie's eyes, I get to stand in a special kind of light that only pure love can provide.

This is also the exact sort of friend that you listen to with a perfect sort of attention because you greatly value their opinion. She sees a clear path for my happiness that sometimes alludes me. Maybe because I'm not ready to see it, or my sights are blurred by tasks at hand - the whole can't seeing the forest for all the trees type scenario. Everyone needs a friend with such clear sight.

She is the real deal.

So, while I was venting to this dear friend about my exasperating ex-husband, she said something that really struck a deep and satisfying chord with me.

You see, he has taken quite the spiral down in the past few years. It isn't just the divorce and custody, etc. It's his sadness and self-destruction that seem to be tearing his life apart. He doesn't appear to give a crap about anything anymore, including himself. He has lost most everything he once held dear. He seems to have dug himself into a hole of despair. No family, no money, no future, and, finally, no home. He is living in his car. No prospects. No cell phone. No plan. Nothing.

I mention that it's kinda like the past 15 years didn't happen. It's exactly how I found him in 1995. Adrift and unconcerned with his situation. I, of course, have taken it as a example of how he hasn't matured or how he is a some sort of massive idiot for letting himself go this far down the road of loss.

Jamie sees it differently.

She reminds me about all of the things we've witnessed in him through the years that both echoed his past, and what would ultimately result in this future.

And she says; "Perhaps in the hole is where he is comfortable."

I plucked him out, cleaned him up and gave him a reason to want to live in the light.

But maybe he never really liked it. Perhaps the light was always a little too bright for him. Maybe being in that hole was way more genuine to who he is and where he really wants to be. I came along and changed up the scene and it probably didn't ever feel really good to him. He is only now, and finally, doing what feels right to himself. To me, and maybe most folks, it looks like a hole. For him, it's home.

This is an incredibly powerful observation.

Because it's so important to me that life be real. Authentic and genuine to who we really are and what makes us happy. So many sad individuals go through the motions of a life that is meaningless to them because of the fear of asking for something different and being selfish or changing their minds. The way those sort of sad sacks usually end up is rotten and bitter and not knowing why. I don't wish that on anyone.

I love this explanation because it doesn't really place blame. It just is what it is - and it puts right what was out of whack.

The bottom line is this: He is where he is directly as a result of the choices he has made.

And who on earth would choose such a scenario if it wasn't exactly what they really wanted? Nobody.

He has choices. We all do. His choice is the life he is leading. It's not up to me or anyone else to judge it and say that it is inadequate.

I want to be disappointed in him. I want him to be a better example of self-sufficiency for my children. I want him to be stable and normal enough that I don't fear sending the girls off under his guidance.

And I simply need to get over it. Because he will never again consult my regard to his behavior, the same way I would never again let him critique mine. He is a grown up boy, and that is that.

I can only try my very best to be the voice of reason when the girls return from their visits to try to somehow help them understand him and his choices. Try to help interpret. Because whatever hole he is from doesn't speak fluent English. I'm almost positive it's not actually on this plane of existence, and quite possibly is not even on this planet.

So yeah, it was a good breakfast. And Jamie proves herself, again, to be clear sighted enough to observe such a simple thing I could not see through my own resentment.

She has taken this burden and anger from me as simply as lifting it from my hands and setting it down over there upon the threshold of the one who made the choices.

The situation is still the same, but this morning I felt a distinct lightening of the load I lug around everyday. At this rate, I'm going to be floating around the atmosphere by Christmas.

Everyday a little better.

All because of the blessing of those who love me.

Thanks and a sweet shout out to every lucky star I have ever had that landed me in the path of such beautiful people.

They make me Rich.